urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider aerialsrider aerialsrider 2009-10-23T18:21:58Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:13993 2009-10-23T18:21:58Z 2009-10-23T18:21:58Z i had no inclination of the guilt i would battle<br /><br />i cannot tell him what happened<br /><br />it's not fair<br /><br />to see him tear out his hair<br /><br />anguished<br /><br />how much i disrespected him<br /><br />my vows<br /><br />my Creator<br /><br />when i gave in to temptation<br /><br />my greatest fear: that he will somehow find out, that the other will somehow tell him. <br /><br />and my life <br /><br />as i know it<br /><br />will be over<br /><br />if you still read this, please promise me <br /><br />you will never try to get back at me<br /><br />by telling my husband what we did. <br /><br />i cannot bear the guilt<br /><br />or the fear <br /><br />of this revelation. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:13623 2009-10-12T02:05:27Z 2009-10-12T02:05:27Z i am an ecosystem<br />created life<br />and sustaining it<br /><br />for nine months<br />what was mine<br />is now ours<br /><p>precious love<br />an embryo of cells<br />my daughter, my son<br /><br />perfectly formed<br />by God himself<br />who came to earth by such a mother<br /><br />you are my joy<br />my purpose<br />my child<br />&nbsp;</p><br /> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:13558 2009-09-20T20:58:20Z 2009-09-20T20:58:20Z and it's my diagnosis.<br /><br />and, i'm sick of reading blogs that say, &quot;this sucks so hard!&quot; urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:13218 2009-09-18T17:36:13Z 2009-09-18T17:36:13Z not so easily shut<br />this story<br />not a chapter i erased<br /><br />still feel the delicate skin around your collarbone <br />your white shirt open<br />your dog by our feet<br /><br />still feel your urgency at arrival<br />your cold hand holding mine<br />your mouth pressing me to a slick bed<br /><br />still hear your deep voice, no affect<br />wondering where all that passion went<br />and then discovering how well you communicated with your body<br /><br />still remember the intimacy of us<br />in a room full of people<br />intrusion so sexy, so us<br /><br />us<br />what would have been?<br />what was and what is<br /><br />new love and yet<br />your words still saved<br />your words still pondered urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:13011 2009-09-18T16:43:34Z 2009-09-18T16:43:34Z these boys<br />i'm so naive<br />each encounter<br />so polite<br />so smooth<br />&quot;yes, ma'am <br />it's hard to say, ma'am.&quot;<br /><br />behind a glass cage<br />their hair in unkempt cornrows<br />beautiful velvet brown skin<br />their eyelashes hiding hurt<br />presenting pride<br />projecting ego<br /><br />i said, &quot;there is no way they did this. there must be some misunderstanding.&quot;<br />i was astonished<br /><br />outside of my eyes<br />these boys are primal<br /><br />i was wrong. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:12593 2009-08-20T22:11:55Z 2009-08-20T22:11:55Z i want him to taste of kalamata olives<br />because of his mediterranean skin<br /><br />tongue tip meets torso<br />and he's sweeter than olives<br /><br />sliding into this<br />we are<br /><br />measured<br />by the past<br /><br />i am standing on my Rock<br />future clouded but free urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:12433 2009-08-16T05:12:13Z 2009-08-16T05:12:13Z i think: &quot;why do we keep playing these instruments, deaf to the pitch, out of tune?&quot;<br /><br />so, i'm quiet for a bit. and i hear nothing. <br /><br />i'm the one desperate for the song. <br /><br />i want the richness of melody and harmony, the rhythm to thrum, the music to swell and wane.<br /><br />he knows nothing of this song. he never even noticed my voice<br /><br />but for the nagging gnats, the buzzing accompaniment, the shrill sharps and dull flats. <br /><br />what he noticed also <br /><br />was my disappointment <br /><br />in the solo.<br /><br />resuming the frantic refrain<br /><br />i close my ears to its wearisome repetition<br /><br />but my heart knows the notes are failing again.<br /><br />he knows, even if he never knew the song, he knows by my eyes.<br /><br />he said: &quot;you don't look like you even enjoy it anymore.&quot;<br /><br />when did i? i wonder.<br /><br />urgently, before the harmonic traces vanish<br /><br />i try again. a new song. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:12122 2009-08-05T19:35:37Z 2009-08-05T19:35:37Z and the internets<br /><br />i admit it.<br /><br />i miss him. <br /><br />and i can't help but feel tossed aside.<br /><br />perhaps it's the pisces in him<br /><br />that led to this all or nothing bit.<br /><br />guilt mingled with longing<br /><br />not the perfect combination <br /><br />for healing.<br /><br />but, you didn't see his fingertips.<br /><br />you didn't read his heart.<br /><br />you didn't love him<br /><br />you weren't loved by him.<br /><br />so stop judging me, imaginary judge. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:11932 2009-08-04T22:11:23Z 2009-08-04T22:11:23Z another one with a hyphenated name<br />she's blond and overweight, too.<br />the universe telling me something?<br /><br />she's calm<br />got that therapist eyebrow arch down<br />she tends to try too hard, though.<br /><br />&quot;i was worried about you over the weekend...<br />did you google your diagnosis?<br />did it add to your anxiety?&quot;<br /><br />did it add to yours?<br /><br />how can i expose so much<br />and have it mean so little?<br />and then i remember, &quot;it's not magic.&quot;<br /><br />inner dialogue leads to crappy prose<br />that's negative self-talk, i suppose<br />mix it up with an &quot;i will&quot; statement.<br /><br />i will lick the bones around your hips<br />i will put fingers to keys <br />i will try. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:11735 2009-07-28T17:20:54Z 2009-07-28T17:20:54Z new love<br />trepidation<br />i've seen you before urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:11415 2009-07-22T21:13:56Z 2009-07-22T21:13:56Z i have made some mistakes<br />certainly<br />i claim nothing but imperfection<br />but does that somehow give you the right<br />to continually point out my flaws?<br /><br />nothing productive or healthy comes<br />from these berating sessions. <br />constantly defensive,<br />i am unable to focus on the change<br />you so desperately insist i make.<br /><br />can you please <br />stop making excuses<br />and get your sorry ass<br />out of my house?<br />i've been generous,<br />despite your contrary comments. <br /><br />i'm ready to see the new page.<br />while i'm not empowered<br />or bravely existing<br />i am ready to move on. <br />i was willing to move on with you, <br />but it's apparent that you want your own life.<br /><br />we never truly had a partnership anyway.<br />certainly we both share blame in this. <br />but how much longer can we hash it out?<br />how many more times do i have to hear your <br />insistence that i'm your problem?<br /><br />if i'm your problem, get away from me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:11240 2009-06-30T22:09:46Z 2009-06-30T22:09:46Z i can't write about it because i can't much think about it.<br />none of the usual cliches need apply.<br />despite being a statistic, i feel unique in this particular loneliness.<br /><br />certainly there are other women looking around their homes and absorbing the emptiness<br />surely they are cooking dinners for one and wondering how the fuck this all happened<br />i imagine they are even crying their mascara off just after applying.<br /><br />work is good. work keeps me focused and around people. <br />it's that time when i come home to a house that doesn't smell <br />no life. <br /><br />fuck this. if it was paper, i'd crumple it. ): urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:10986 2009-06-12T18:09:59Z 2009-06-12T18:09:59Z before you slipped in<br />for your spin<br /><br />you might have thought<br />&quot;this is bought.&quot;<br /><br />let go<br />turned away<br /><br />but instead<br />you tried to save my day.<br /><br />what you left<br />not much to say<br /><br />bereft<br />and angry<br /><br />i say, 'fuck you.'<br />but it means nothing<br /><br />because you don't exist<br />anyway. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:10533 2009-05-30T16:31:16Z 2009-05-30T16:31:16Z you don't exist.<br />you never did. <br /><br />nothing happened between us.<br />just a nightmare that i've woken from.<br /><br />unbraiding your words from my essence<br />will take more time<br /><br />but, for now,<br />you're gone. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:10425 2009-05-27T19:34:52Z 2009-05-27T19:34:52Z i liked it better<br />when you were quiet<br />harder to stalk<br /><br />with this new addition<br />hidden though it is<br />i am awakened to your presence<br /><br />again.<br /><br />i liked it better<br />before i knew you existed<br />i was innocent then.<br /><br />an entire world<br />was formed when we joined bodies<br />a world i want to blow away<br /><br />like dandelion seeds<br />i want the images to scatter<br />taking root nowhere.<br /><br />nowhere is where you have gone<br />how could you do this to me?<br />how could you drop me like this?<br /><br />i liked it better<br />when the colors and the air<br />were divinely inspired.<br /><br />not you inspired.<br />though they haven't been<br />you haven't been here. <br /><br />love. it's what you said, you know.<br />to a tragic and sad little girl<br />you said love.<br /><br />your words <br />were unsheathed<br />and dangerous.<br /><br />a warrior on wings<br />you flew down<br />and brushed a kiss on my mind<br /><br />soaring off<br />bravely existing<br />anywhere where i am not. <br /><br />you and your words<br />will go torture another<br />good riddance. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:10026 2009-05-07T20:43:34Z 2009-05-07T20:43:34Z i am astonished at how easily<br />the silver threads<br />of infatuation<br />have been shred.<br /><br />deeper within<br />is real feeling<br />for you. <br /><br />where are you? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:9981 2009-05-03T18:01:39Z 2009-05-03T18:01:39Z bent over on dirty knees<br />she gripped the goat firmly<br />ropy arms tight<br /><br />knife glimmered once<br />before the tool sliced<br />a life taken, death smell<br /><br />it's belly bared<br />purple and red intestines shined<br />she slipped her hand in<br /><br />center of life<br />sloppy but there<br />its heart dead beat in her fingers<br /><br />blood caked around her nailbeds<br />smeared on her forehead<br />her grimmace a smile<br /><br />her hands <br />her fucking hands<br />what did they do?<br /><br />powerfully, she discards of the goat<br />powerfully, she uses the parts she needs<br />powerfully, she burns the rest. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:9679 2009-04-29T17:40:21Z 2009-04-29T17:40:21Z there was a moment<br />a spun crystal fragile and beautiful moment<br />when i felt your kiss brush my soul<br /><br />i saw my future<br />tiny house<br />redheaded children splashing in the fountain<br /><br />lilies and roses<br />orchids and frangipani<br />tireless we tended to our lives<br /><br />together we loved<br />divine.<br /><br />stunned still<br />bit bewildered<br />i wonder how i was so misread.<br /><br />what signals did i give off<br />that made me seem so selfish<br />indifferent.<br /><br />what is truth<br />when one's heart is opened<br />to another?<br /><br />vulnerable<br />i have never trusted another<br />like i did you.<br /><br />how stupid<br />maybe <br />i was to have exposed<br /><br />the truth of me.<br /><br />grieving the loss of real love<br />the loss of fingertips <br />on my collarbone<br /><br />the loss of beauty<br />of flight<br />of freedom.<br /><br />of my future with you.<br />of love.<br /><br />you said i wanted your devotion.<br />it's true.<br />but i would have given it back tenfold.<br /><br />if you would have just opened up<br />and let me in<br />your skin. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:9371 2009-04-10T16:01:12Z 2009-04-10T16:01:12Z my heart never beat until it beat your name<br />vivid love poured from you<br />and you filled my life with color<br />with meaning<br /><br />your words <br />changed my entire life.<br /><br />i am forever yours.<br />i am forever altered by your influence<br />by your inspiration.<br /><br />i am forever yours.<br /><br />what i can't do is take<br />another<br />piece of you.<br /><br />i won't stop.<br />you won't be enough.<br />no one is.<br /><br />my love overflows into selflessness.<br />what you've given me <br />deserves this honesty<br /><br />deserves this release from me<br />before i leach everything you have<br />before you hate me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:9092 2009-04-07T14:55:25Z 2009-04-07T14:55:25Z snaking mercury madness<br />silver sparks deliver<br />deadly consequences<br /><br />i look at my hands<br />i know they couldn't have done this<br />i know they did<br /><br />it's my mind<br />a river of impossibility<br />tides of panic swell<br /><br />my body betrays me<br />what i considered<br />shifted obscenely<br /><br />once the choice had been made<br />once my body opened<br />a sweaty flower dripping<br /><br />lusty blossom pink<br />from pleasured moans<br />heartbeat completes this poem<br /><br />where it ends is where it began<br />lost within herself<br />he found me<br /><br />using a string of words as a rope<br />i pulled myself out<br />cut my fingers on pretty utterances<br /><br />if it was only me bleeding<br />i would look the other way<br />i would lick my fingers and smile<br /><br />pain grips all those <br />tainted by my madness<br />and i'm paying in diamonds. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:8753 2009-04-04T16:58:34Z 2009-04-04T16:58:34Z screaming <br /><br />consequences gather<br />a batch of sticky<br />the mass i ignore for now urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:8642 2009-03-19T20:46:51Z 2009-03-19T20:46:51Z &quot;feel your pain,&quot; he said. i couldn't help but say a small fuck you in my head.<br /><br />i don't want to feel pain.<br /><br />i hate this hole inside me. i simply want to fill it up, with whatever is handy, and forgo the experience of learning from the pain.<br /><br />i know that's what he meant. i'm to learn from this. i'm to experience this so i know what it is to be free.<br /><br />he seems to have moved from my hip<br /><br />and stands inches apart<br /><br />i suppose he wants me to struggle through alone.<br /><br />i suppose i will. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:8278 2009-03-05T18:45:05Z 2009-03-05T18:45:05Z here we are <br />tempting a flame <br />adding accelerant<br />sweeping in oxygen urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:8126 2009-02-23T22:25:10Z 2009-02-23T22:25:10Z &quot;A strong wanting of what promises enjoyment or pleasure.&quot;<br /><br />indeed. also, an infatuation. and need. <br /><br />it's a physical pull, one that i've tried to ignore, one that i've tried to write off as temporary.<br /><br />i am so drawn to him, though, like love to life.<br /><br />chemical explosions inside my brain have led to unquenchable lust for this man who lives 596 miles away.<br /><br />this man who is not my husband. <br /><br />lust not just for his form (although contemplation of such pleasures have formed a groove in my mind)<br /><br />but for what he offers - freedom. strength. vitality.<br /><br />i want to suck him down, suck him in. i want him in every way inside of me. <br /><br />his words are a living air that have given me new life.<br /><br />his ideas are wings.<br /><br />his mind is a mountain.<br /><br />i can't deny this feels like love ... i can't stay away as much as it's wrong... i want him so much... and this life is not a dress rehearsal......... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aerialsrider:7785 2009-02-20T21:44:52Z 2009-02-20T21:44:52Z i forgot about pursuit until i met you.<br /><br />of truth and light.<br />of me.<br />of strength and creativity.<br /><br />all that i'd forgotten <br />and ceased to pursue<br />emptied me of hope.<br /><br />here you are now.<br />you spoke a mountain into existence<br />and on it i stand without fear or hesitation.<br /><br />hope is the horizon below us,<br />standing hand in hand on your mountain,<br />poised for pursuit.