i had no inclination of the guilt i would battle

i cannot tell him what happened

it's not fair

to see him tear out his hair

anguished

how much i disrespected him

my vows

my Creator

when i gave in to temptation

my greatest fear: that he will somehow find out, that the other will somehow tell him.

and my life

as i know it

will be over

if you still read this, please promise me

you will never try to get back at me

by telling my husband what we did.

i cannot bear the guilt

or the fear

of this revelation.

i am an ecosystem
created life
and sustaining it

for nine months
what was mine
is now ours

precious love
an embryo of cells
my daughter, my son

perfectly formed
by God himself
who came to earth by such a mother

you are my joy
my purpose
my child
 

and it's my diagnosis.

and, i'm sick of reading blogs that say, "this sucks so hard!"

not so easily shut
this story
not a chapter i erased

still feel the delicate skin around your collarbone
your white shirt open
your dog by our feet

still feel your urgency at arrival
your cold hand holding mine
your mouth pressing me to a slick bed

still hear your deep voice, no affect
wondering where all that passion went
and then discovering how well you communicated with your body

still remember the intimacy of us
in a room full of people
intrusion so sexy, so us

us
what would have been?
what was and what is

new love and yet
your words still saved
your words still pondered

these boys
i'm so naive
each encounter
so polite
so smooth
"yes, ma'am
it's hard to say, ma'am."

behind a glass cage
their hair in unkempt cornrows
beautiful velvet brown skin
their eyelashes hiding hurt
presenting pride
projecting ego

i said, "there is no way they did this. there must be some misunderstanding."
i was astonished

outside of my eyes
these boys are primal

i was wrong.

i want him to taste of kalamata olives
because of his mediterranean skin

tongue tip meets torso
and he's sweeter than olives

sliding into this
we are

measured
by the past

i am standing on my Rock
future clouded but free

i think: "why do we keep playing these instruments, deaf to the pitch, out of tune?"

so, i'm quiet for a bit. and i hear nothing.

i'm the one desperate for the song.

i want the richness of melody and harmony, the rhythm to thrum, the music to swell and wane.

he knows nothing of this song. he never even noticed my voice

but for the nagging gnats, the buzzing accompaniment, the shrill sharps and dull flats.

what he noticed also

was my disappointment

in the solo.

resuming the frantic refrain

i close my ears to its wearisome repetition

but my heart knows the notes are failing again.

he knows, even if he never knew the song, he knows by my eyes.

he said: "you don't look like you even enjoy it anymore."

when did i? i wonder.

urgently, before the harmonic traces vanish

i try again. a new song.

and the internets

i admit it.

i miss him.

and i can't help but feel tossed aside.

perhaps it's the pisces in him

that led to this all or nothing bit.

guilt mingled with longing

not the perfect combination

for healing.

but, you didn't see his fingertips.

you didn't read his heart.

you didn't love him

you weren't loved by him.

so stop judging me, imaginary judge.

another one with a hyphenated name
she's blond and overweight, too.
the universe telling me something?

she's calm
got that therapist eyebrow arch down
she tends to try too hard, though.

"i was worried about you over the weekend...
did you google your diagnosis?
did it add to your anxiety?"

did it add to yours?

how can i expose so much
and have it mean so little?
and then i remember, "it's not magic."

inner dialogue leads to crappy prose
that's negative self-talk, i suppose
mix it up with an "i will" statement.

i will lick the bones around your hips
i will put fingers to keys
i will try.

new love
trepidation
i've seen you before

i have made some mistakes
certainly
i claim nothing but imperfection
but does that somehow give you the right
to continually point out my flaws?

nothing productive or healthy comes
from these berating sessions.
constantly defensive,
i am unable to focus on the change
you so desperately insist i make.

can you please
stop making excuses
and get your sorry ass
out of my house?
i've been generous,
despite your contrary comments.

i'm ready to see the new page.
while i'm not empowered
or bravely existing
i am ready to move on.
i was willing to move on with you,
but it's apparent that you want your own life.

we never truly had a partnership anyway.
certainly we both share blame in this.
but how much longer can we hash it out?
how many more times do i have to hear your
insistence that i'm your problem?

if i'm your problem, get away from me.

i can't write about it because i can't much think about it.
none of the usual cliches need apply.
despite being a statistic, i feel unique in this particular loneliness.

certainly there are other women looking around their homes and absorbing the emptiness
surely they are cooking dinners for one and wondering how the fuck this all happened
i imagine they are even crying their mascara off just after applying.

work is good. work keeps me focused and around people.
it's that time when i come home to a house that doesn't smell
no life.

fuck this. if it was paper, i'd crumple it. ):

before you slipped in
for your spin

you might have thought
"this is bought."

let go
turned away

but instead
you tried to save my day.

what you left
not much to say

bereft
and angry

i say, 'fuck you.'
but it means nothing

because you don't exist
anyway.

you don't exist.
you never did.

nothing happened between us.
just a nightmare that i've woken from.

unbraiding your words from my essence
will take more time

but, for now,
you're gone.

i liked it better
when you were quiet
harder to stalk

with this new addition
hidden though it is
i am awakened to your presence

again.

i liked it better
before i knew you existed
i was innocent then.

an entire world
was formed when we joined bodies
a world i want to blow away

like dandelion seeds
i want the images to scatter
taking root nowhere.

nowhere is where you have gone
how could you do this to me?
how could you drop me like this?

i liked it better
when the colors and the air
were divinely inspired.

not you inspired.
though they haven't been
you haven't been here.

love. it's what you said, you know.
to a tragic and sad little girl
you said love.

your words
were unsheathed
and dangerous.

a warrior on wings
you flew down
and brushed a kiss on my mind

soaring off
bravely existing
anywhere where i am not.

you and your words
will go torture another
good riddance.

i am astonished at how easily
the silver threads
of infatuation
have been shred.

deeper within
is real feeling
for you.

where are you?

bent over on dirty knees
she gripped the goat firmly
ropy arms tight

knife glimmered once
before the tool sliced
a life taken, death smell

it's belly bared
purple and red intestines shined
she slipped her hand in

center of life
sloppy but there
its heart dead beat in her fingers

blood caked around her nailbeds
smeared on her forehead
her grimmace a smile

her hands
her fucking hands
what did they do?

powerfully, she discards of the goat
powerfully, she uses the parts she needs
powerfully, she burns the rest.

there was a moment
a spun crystal fragile and beautiful moment
when i felt your kiss brush my soul

i saw my future
tiny house
redheaded children splashing in the fountain

lilies and roses
orchids and frangipani
tireless we tended to our lives

together we loved
divine.

stunned still
bit bewildered
i wonder how i was so misread.

what signals did i give off
that made me seem so selfish
indifferent.

what is truth
when one's heart is opened
to another?

vulnerable
i have never trusted another
like i did you.

how stupid
maybe
i was to have exposed

the truth of me.

grieving the loss of real love
the loss of fingertips
on my collarbone

the loss of beauty
of flight
of freedom.

of my future with you.
of love.

you said i wanted your devotion.
it's true.
but i would have given it back tenfold.

if you would have just opened up
and let me in
your skin.

my heart never beat until it beat your name
vivid love poured from you
and you filled my life with color
with meaning

your words
changed my entire life.

i am forever yours.
i am forever altered by your influence
by your inspiration.

i am forever yours.

what i can't do is take
another
piece of you.

i won't stop.
you won't be enough.
no one is.

my love overflows into selflessness.
what you've given me
deserves this honesty

deserves this release from me
before i leach everything you have
before you hate me.

snaking mercury madness
silver sparks deliver
deadly consequences

i look at my hands
i know they couldn't have done this
i know they did

it's my mind
a river of impossibility
tides of panic swell

my body betrays me
what i considered
shifted obscenely

once the choice had been made
once my body opened
a sweaty flower dripping

lusty blossom pink
from pleasured moans
heartbeat completes this poem

where it ends is where it began
lost within herself
he found me

using a string of words as a rope
i pulled myself out
cut my fingers on pretty utterances

if it was only me bleeding
i would look the other way
i would lick my fingers and smile

pain grips all those
tainted by my madness
and i'm paying in diamonds.